A Sad But Happy Ending

On Thursday (yesterday) at 5 p.m. she (for the first time in a long time) wanted to lay on her side. Jenn suspected this was because her left lung may have collapsed which relieved some pressure the tumors were causing on that side, so she was able to comfortably lay on that side. After Aunt Jeanne rolled her, she pretty much fell asleep and didn't wake up. She opened her eyes when I got home from the grocery store at 7:00 and looked at me and Jenn. She continued to do it a few more times over the next couple hours when we would talk to her, but it was just this wide eyed glance, but I know she was just trying to see us for a second. By about 9 she hadn't moved or opened her eyes and was pretty much comatose. Around midnight we moved her over in the bed a bit so she wasn't so close to the edge. Then I put some moisturizing gel on the surfaces in her mouth because she had severe xerostomia this last week. Then I put chapstick on her. Then about 20-30 minutes later she tried to leave us... I noticed her lips and chin looked really gray. I called Jenn and Jeanne's attention to it then her whole face started to turn really gray and had a tiny bit of gurgling and then she started to stop breathing. But about a minute later she started to breathe again and gained her color back. We kinda think that maybe moving her around caused her to do what happened, but we were definitely expecting her to pass some time today after our night last night. Me, Jenn and Jeanne slept in the living room with her. We woke up at about 7:45 and told mom good morning, that we were glad she was here, told her how much we loved her, how important she was to us and that she didn't need to keep hanging on. We let her know what we were doing... Jenn fixed coffee, I took a shower, etc. One of us was always with her. Around 10:30, Jenn said she was going to shower. I said, "Okay" (as I was sitting with mom), then I said, "Actually, maybe you should wait a minute." I could see she had kind of swallowed a bit, but Jenn didn't see it. Then she did it a couple more times and started making gurgling/snoring sounds. It happened a couple minutes later at about 10:30 when she took her last two breaths. Her carotid pulse felt like ripples in water about 30 minutes after her last breath. She obviously had a VERY strong heart and acted like the strong willed lady she always was. I'm really glad she's in a better place with our heavenly father and doesn't have to suffer any longer. This didn't start out to be this long of a post and I apologize if it ended up with a few more details than you expected.

The disease is definitely taking over her body. She is so weak, hardly eats and sleeps a great deal, but is very uncomfortable, so wakes up often, but isn't in pain. The difference between yesterday and today is huge. This morning started at 4:00 with anxiety and her feeling shaky. She had a fever and her legs were ice cold. The morning involved a lot of confusion about why she felt the way she did. She wanted to know where John was and when he woke up she demanded that he 'hold her.' We massaged her legs, held her hand and tried to help her relax. After giving her another half dose of lorazepam (for anxiety) she relaxed and fell back asleep. This morning around 8:30, she asked Jenn if she was sick. Jenn told her she had cancer and it was very fast moving. She was comparing how she felt (with being so sleepy/drugged) with the fact that she really is sick and she was coming to the understanding that the cancer is making her fell the way she does, and that it's not the drugs we gave her. It was really sad to say the least. Unfortunately, the 'signs of approaching death' are surfacing. I just pray that it's a quick process from here on out!

A Turn For The Worse

Unfortunately, my mom has taken a turn for the worse. She had a visit with the oncologist on Tuesday and they decided it was best if she quit the Tarceva all together. It's a little too much, a little too late. Mom complains that it's making her very sick, she's having trouble sleeping (getting 2-4hrs/night) and not eating. Between her, John (my step-dad) and the oncologist, they've decided that this is the best decision for them at this time. When mom asked how much time the oncologist thought she had left, Dr. Regante stated... 2 weeks, maybe 3, maybe 4.

I know, it's heart breaking, but mom is so out of energy. She's down to 121 lbs. She doesn't sleep well at all, coughing robs her of all her energy and she has no appetite. Having a simple phone conversation seems to be almost too much for her. So I'm simply and graciously putting my life on hold here in Japan to spend all the remaining time I have with my mom. We're still praying for a miracle!