A Sad But Happy Ending

On Thursday (yesterday) at 5 p.m. she (for the first time in a long time) wanted to lay on her side. Jenn suspected this was because her left lung may have collapsed which relieved some pressure the tumors were causing on that side, so she was able to comfortably lay on that side. After Aunt Jeanne rolled her, she pretty much fell asleep and didn't wake up. She opened her eyes when I got home from the grocery store at 7:00 and looked at me and Jenn. She continued to do it a few more times over the next couple hours when we would talk to her, but it was just this wide eyed glance, but I know she was just trying to see us for a second. By about 9 she hadn't moved or opened her eyes and was pretty much comatose. Around midnight we moved her over in the bed a bit so she wasn't so close to the edge. Then I put some moisturizing gel on the surfaces in her mouth because she had severe xerostomia this last week. Then I put chapstick on her. Then about 20-30 minutes later she tried to leave us... I noticed her lips and chin looked really gray. I called Jenn and Jeanne's attention to it then her whole face started to turn really gray and had a tiny bit of gurgling and then she started to stop breathing. But about a minute later she started to breathe again and gained her color back. We kinda think that maybe moving her around caused her to do what happened, but we were definitely expecting her to pass some time today after our night last night. Me, Jenn and Jeanne slept in the living room with her. We woke up at about 7:45 and told mom good morning, that we were glad she was here, told her how much we loved her, how important she was to us and that she didn't need to keep hanging on. We let her know what we were doing... Jenn fixed coffee, I took a shower, etc. One of us was always with her. Around 10:30, Jenn said she was going to shower. I said, "Okay" (as I was sitting with mom), then I said, "Actually, maybe you should wait a minute." I could see she had kind of swallowed a bit, but Jenn didn't see it. Then she did it a couple more times and started making gurgling/snoring sounds. It happened a couple minutes later at about 10:30 when she took her last two breaths. Her carotid pulse felt like ripples in water about 30 minutes after her last breath. She obviously had a VERY strong heart and acted like the strong willed lady she always was. I'm really glad she's in a better place with our heavenly father and doesn't have to suffer any longer. This didn't start out to be this long of a post and I apologize if it ended up with a few more details than you expected.

The disease is definitely taking over her body. She is so weak, hardly eats and sleeps a great deal, but is very uncomfortable, so wakes up often, but isn't in pain. The difference between yesterday and today is huge. This morning started at 4:00 with anxiety and her feeling shaky. She had a fever and her legs were ice cold. The morning involved a lot of confusion about why she felt the way she did. She wanted to know where John was and when he woke up she demanded that he 'hold her.' We massaged her legs, held her hand and tried to help her relax. After giving her another half dose of lorazepam (for anxiety) she relaxed and fell back asleep. This morning around 8:30, she asked Jenn if she was sick. Jenn told her she had cancer and it was very fast moving. She was comparing how she felt (with being so sleepy/drugged) with the fact that she really is sick and she was coming to the understanding that the cancer is making her fell the way she does, and that it's not the drugs we gave her. It was really sad to say the least. Unfortunately, the 'signs of approaching death' are surfacing. I just pray that it's a quick process from here on out!

A Turn For The Worse

Unfortunately, my mom has taken a turn for the worse. She had a visit with the oncologist on Tuesday and they decided it was best if she quit the Tarceva all together. It's a little too much, a little too late. Mom complains that it's making her very sick, she's having trouble sleeping (getting 2-4hrs/night) and not eating. Between her, John (my step-dad) and the oncologist, they've decided that this is the best decision for them at this time. When mom asked how much time the oncologist thought she had left, Dr. Regante stated... 2 weeks, maybe 3, maybe 4.

I know, it's heart breaking, but mom is so out of energy. She's down to 121 lbs. She doesn't sleep well at all, coughing robs her of all her energy and she has no appetite. Having a simple phone conversation seems to be almost too much for her. So I'm simply and graciously putting my life on hold here in Japan to spend all the remaining time I have with my mom. We're still praying for a miracle!

Update

So there's a lot that's gone on since the last post.....

Things have gotten worse and my mom is realizing the severity of this illness. She went to an alternative cancer doctor  (Dr. Forsythe) who prescribed a regimen of infusions and supplements and recommended taking Tarceva concurrently with the alternative regimen. 

She started with the infusions which after a few days caused her to retain fluid in her legs and on the outside of her lungs. This time it was her right lung, which has overall been healthy, but she found out (right when she sought out Dr. Forsythe because she had just had a CT Scan) that the tumors have drastically increased in size and have metastasized to the pleural lining of the right lung as well. She immediately stopped the daily infusions and went to the hospital a couple days later for a scheduled thorocentesis. They informed her that there was no longer an adequate amount of fluid that would require getting the procedure done, so spirits were high and she was sent home.

She has gone from 2ml of O2 to 4ml of O2 in the last couple of weeks, as well. Her breathing has become very shallow and she is out of breath after walking from one end of her house to the other.

Mom consented to taking the Tarceva, but was VERY nervous about it and ended up going back into the Oncologist's office to have her clarify exactly when and how to take the drug. "Once a day either 1 hour before you eat or 2 hours after you eat." This threw mom for a loop and she stressed, "When am I going to eat then, I can't go all day without eating." Again, she reiterated exactly when to take it and mom understood. So she went home and started it a couple day slater.

I think she's been on it for about a week and the only side effect so far is her face breaking out. She said it's like acne, but kind of itchy as well. My sister keeps telling me that mom is so negative and I can hear her on the phone being that way, too. It breaks my heart to hear my mom struggling and being uncomfortable and scared. Death is a crazy thing and I am seeing how unbelievably scary it can be.

Jenn is leaving tomorrow to move to North Carolina and mom is so depressed about this. She is always saying, "I hope I make it until your sister comes, and then I hope it I make it until you come back." I am showing up in 3 weeks and Jenn is coming back in 4. So Jenn sat down with mom yesterday (like she has many times before) and tried to shine some light on being positive... Telling yourself that you're going to get better, that you're going to see your daughters in 3 and 4 weeks and these are tough times right now, but you'll pull through. The Tarceva will work and make you better. Not just hoping it will work, but telling your body it WILL work and be healed.

Positive, positive, positive, that's all you can really do.

Sunny Day

I just wanted to share that mom was able to join us for church for the last 2 Sunday's and they've both been great. Mom is alive when she is at Church and I wanted her to have this same feeling during the week, outside of attending doctor's appointments.

So, this morning I was going to go to Jenn's for breakfast and I invited my mom (like I do almost every morning that I go to my sis's for breakfast) and she said YES! It took us an extra 30 minutes or so to get out of the house, but we made it! It was beautiful out, too. Sunny skies, warm weather, dogs playing together (and mauling my thumb), it was a great day!

Last Minute Thoughts

You know how it is when you're drifting off to sleep and you remember all those things you didn't get done or need to do tomorrow. Well, tonight was one of those nights for my mom. Right when she got in bed she remembered the 'tea' that had been steeping all day. It's this special brew she fixed this morning, it had to set for 12 hours, be boiled for another 10 minutes, strained and then put in amber bottles. Well, let's just say we're a makeshift kind of family.

No strainer

No amber bottles

Makeshift #1: Mom saves (almost) everything, so we used a combo of mason jars and old spaghetti jars.

Makeshift #2: We decided we would put foil around the jars to block out the light.

Makeshift #3: Strainer

Idea #1: Find the mysterious strainer

Idea #2: Use the regular pasta strainer with cheesecloth laid in it while dumping the hot tea over it and into another pot.

Idea #3: Use a pot with that grease spatter thing with the handle on it that you can put over pans when cooking something splattery.

Idea #3 Wins! This tea was more like a cauldron and in the last 4 minutes of boiling, it completely boils over onto the glass top stove with all the pieces of who knows what in tote. The smell is just downright lovely (if you lived in the trees). We get to the last bit of liquid (and chunk) that we're straining [my mom with a towel wrapped around her hand holding the makeshift strainer thing over the pot which was propped on an upside down measuring glass in the sink) and let me tell you this is not the last thing you want to see before you lay your sleepy eyes to rest for the evening.

We made it through, no burns, no mess, no broken jars, etc. A few laughs and hopefully some yummy tea (although that's up for decision tomorrow).

Non-small cell Adenocarcinoma

The results came back for the PET scan and the pulmonologist informed us that the scans showed that the cancer is localized to the pleural lining of the left lung and partially on the right lung and diaphragm. It has not metastasized anywhere else that they can see. Thank you GOD! Still inoperable and radiation treatment won't affect it.

Overall, I think mom's doing well. She is able to take care of herself and fix meals as long as she has catnaps. She has her bouts of dealing with the emotional aspect, but don''t we all?!? We've definitely shed some tears together and today was one of those afternoons. Between us rummaging through old I love you notes to her from when Jenn and I were small to me almost reaching my witts end (It was completely my fault and I did apologize, but still feel bad about it), to all the what ifs, it was an emotional day. I think everyone needed a nap.

So tonight she's complaining of her stomach hurting. She said it's because of the inhaler she used, but I was having my doubts. So she starts her 'evening coughing before she heads off to bed' ritual and what do ya know... she ends up throwing up and admits immediately that her stomach feels better. I was like, well, what did you eat?

(Silence) Then a quiet little, "A part of a plum."

"Like a slice?" I inquire.

"It was a leftover in a baggie."

I was like, hello?!?, "Don't you think it was probably bad?"

"Well," she replied, "It looked borderline, but I thought it would be okay."

Here I am being the mommy. I was like Mom! You can't be eating food that you're unsure of anymore. She was like, no doubt!

I love my mom!

So hopefully no more borderline plums and all tummies will be feeling well.